Remarks by Joseph S. Kochan

As I began to think about what I would say today, I had a revelation: I realized that I might be the only person to speak today who has already had experience as a President at Princeton. With all due respect to the assembly of speakers, all of whom are much better respected than I, there are some things very unique to Presidencies at Princeton, of which I am more well suited to speak. With that, President Tilghman, I would like to offer you the following insights to help your transition from faculty member to President.

Now, as I have a semester's worth of experience on you as a Princeton president, I've been able to get a good handle on what Princeton students really care about. As email has made communication so simple and direct, I have received thousands of messages from undergraduates on a variety of subjects that they hold dear. I've compiled a list of the most pressing of those -- and I just want to say that this list is not fabricated. These are actual messages that I have collected:

The first is on a subject that most students hold near and dear -- food. I have discovered that, in many respects, food is the most important part of a student's day. This student wrote:

"I would only take the time to involve you in this if it didn't affect me so much. Very often recently, the grill at Frist has run out of their usual white cheese for their cheeseburgers and used American cheese instead. Those cheeseburgers are my only salvation for good food on campus and when they resort to using American cheese it honestly makes me very depressed. Can you make sure that they don't run out of the white kind of cheese. Or, if they are going to have a back-up, it should be at least cheddar cheese."

I believe that the color of cheese should be foremost on your list of priorities. Perhaps you should have a subcommittee on University cheese procedures.

That is not to say, however, that there aren't other pressing issues on campus. Although many students have voiced their concerns about the amount of construction that has been going on recently, some would like to see a little more. One in particular wrote:

"I think we should have swing sets on campus. It is an idea I have been pondering for a long time, but it's time I bring it public. How great would that be? Students here are so stressed out all the time, and swings are one of the best remedies, in addition to being a great study break activity. Who would not want a swing set (or, ideally, multiple swing sets, but perhaps I should take one step at a time) on campus? We've all learned to take turns, why not put that knowledge to use? And I'm talking a big swing set, with long, adult-sized seats and chains. Nothing fancy, just tall."

Now, to help you deal with these pressing issues from the perspective of a Princeton student, I have also compiled a small 'survival pack' of sorts. In it, I have included things that, as a senior, I think are essential for all freshmen (of which you are one, in terms of your Presidency, a fact that you articulated to the class of 2005 during opening exercises).

-- Lanyard for keys: Apparently, you cannot be a Princeton freshman without carrying your keys around your neck on a wide, obnoxiously colored lanyard. Nevermind that no one else -- no upperclassmen, no professors, no one -- uses these things. They are essential for freshmen.

-- Hoagie Haven #17: This is the best cure for late night hunger. But make sure you remember the number when you step through the door -- the employees there don't mess around and will not put up with indecision.

-- J.Crew catalogue: While everyone claims that "they never signed up for it -- must belong to whoever lived here before me," you nevertheless find them sneaking peeks through their biology book. And have you seen the new winter line? Fabulous.

-- Club passes: I have gathered a collection of the all important eating club passes, so that you don't have to waste your valuable time trying to find your brother's roommate's girlfriend's sister's cousin to beg for a pass this weekend.

All of that aside, however, I do have one serious item with which to present you, and that is the collective well-wishes of the undergraduate student body. As I told you last spring, I received numerous messages from students who were overjoyed to hear that this school that they love so much had been left in such capable hands. Princeton prides itself on its commitment to its undergraduates, and those undergraduates stand together today to wish you nothing but the very best in the years to come. President Tilghman, on behalf of the classes of 2002, 2003, 2004, and 2005, on behalf of students who hail from 48 states, from 38 countries and who represent the best and the brightest of what the world has to offer, welcome and good luck.

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